If you like to send us a joke, we appreciate your contribution,
Mulla was sitting in a station smoking when a woman came in, sitting beside him, remarked: Sir if you were a gentleman, you would not smoke here! Mum said the mulla, if ye was a lady yed sit a little farther away Pretty soon the woman burst out again: If you were my husband Id give you poison! WELL MUM, returned mulla, as he puffed away at his pipe, IF YOU WERE MY WIFE, ID TAKE IT
Mulla and his wife had just been fighting. The wife felt a bit ashamed and was standing looking out of the window. Suddenly something caught her attention Honey, she called. Come here I want to show you something As the Mulla came to the window to see, she said, Look at those two horses pulling that load of hay up the hill. Why cant we pull together like that, up the hill of life? THE REASON WE CANT PULL UP THE HILL LIKE A COUPLE OF HORSES, said Nasrudin, IS BECAUSE ONE OF US IS A JACKASS!
Mulla was told that he would lose his phone if he didnt retract what he had said to the general manager of the phone company in the course of conversation over the wire. Very well, Mulla Nasrudin will apologize, he said.
The editor of town weekly received this letter from Mulla Nasrudin: Dear Sir: Last week I lost my watch which I valued highly. The next day I ran an ad in your news paper. Yesterday, I went home and found my watch in the poclet of my brown suit. YOUR PAPER IS WONDERFUL.
Mulla Nasrudin, a distraught father, visiting his son in a prison waiting room, turned on him and said: I am fed up with your record: attempted robbery, attempted burglary, attempted murder, attempted assassination.
Mulla Nasrudin was suffering from what appeared to be a case of shattered nerves. After a long period of failing health, he finally called a doctor.
Mulla Nasrudin, shipwrecked, was finally washed ashore on a strange island. He was glad to be on the land, but afraid he must be among the wild and unfriendly natives, so he explored cautiously, and at last saw smoke from a fire rising from the jungle. As he made his way slowly through thw woods, scared half to death, he heard a voice say, Pass that bottle and deal those cards.
Mulla Nasrudin and one of his friends rented a boat and went fishing. In a remote part of the lake they found a spot where the fish were really biting.
|From Prem Hilarious, Pune, India
A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"
"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'll have to check with my lawyer!"
|Life is a woman. Try to understand life and you will become a mess. Forget all about understanding. Just live it and you will understand it. The understanding is not going to be intellectual, theoretical; the understanding is going to be total.
In the Garden of Eden, Eve is nagging Adam as usual. "I saw you playing around with another woman underneath the tree of knowledge last night!" she screams. "But Eve," says Adam, "you know that there is only you and I here in Eden!" "Don't lie to me! I always know when you are lying!" Eve whines. "Eve, listen! This is just a fantasy brought on by your menopause." snaps Adam "Don't give me psychological bullshit! I know what I saw!" Eve screams. "Okay, Okay," says Adam, "If you don't believe me, just count my ribs."
|Once you are free of past a tremendous realization happens: you are free of future also.
A very holy man went into an optician's one day to order a new pair of spectacles. Behind the counter was an extremely pretty girl, which reduced the customer to total confusion. "Can I help you, sir?" she asked with a ravishing smile. "Er - yes - er... I want a pair of rim-speckt hornicles... I mean I want a pair of heck-rimmed spornicles... er... I mean...." At which point the optician himself came to the rescue. "It's alright, Miss Jones. What the holy man wants is a pair of rim-sporned hectacles."
Osho: The Dhammapada: The Way of the Buddha Vol-11
|God is always joking. Look at your own life it is a joke! Look at other people's lives, and you will find jokes and jokes and jokes. Seriousness is illness; seriousness has nothing spiritual about it. Spirituality is laughter, spirituality is joy, spirituality is fun.
First: If anything can go wrong, it will.
Second: Nothing is ever as simple as it seems.
Third: Everything takes longer than you expect.
Fourth: Left to themselves all things go from bad to worse.
Fifth: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Sixth: Mother Nature is a bitch.
Seventh: It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Eighth: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Ninth: If you can keep your head when, all around you, others are losing theirs, you just don't understand the situation.
And the tenth: For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution - and it is always wrong.
Osho:The Dhammapada: The Way of the Buddha Vol-9
|But as you become more and more aware of MANY people, as you become related to many people, one thing becomes absolutely clear to you: that ALL men are alike - almost alike - so are all women. Then settling starts. Then you start settling with one woman, with one man, in a more intimate relationship.
- Osho: Ah, This! Chapter #2 Neti, Neti
A naked girl is standing, speaking endlessly to a naked man kneeling and embracing her belly, later lying supine at her feet. She says, "My life is empty... it is a mockery... I am nothing - just a facade - a shell... a dead and useless thing! I am twenty-six years old... and I have never had a meaningful relationship... never had a truly meaningful relationship.... I should not even admit that, I suppose. It is very humiliating! I have passed from one shallow sexual episode to another. That's the story of my entire life... one tawdry, shallow, clutching incident after another. My relationships have no deep, lasting significance - if I could just ONCE lie down and have something meaningful happen!"
The man replies, from the floor, "Have you ever tried talking less... and lying down SOONER?"
The Dhammapada: The Way of the Buddha Vol-8
|Happiness is something like a commodity in the market - you go and purchase it, it has to be purchased. How can happiness be purchased? Happiness is not a commodity, it is not a thing; it is a quality of living, a consequence of another life. You cannot purchase it - there is no way.
- Osho : A Bird On The Wings
Swami Jivan Joke is sitting with his girlfriend, Ma Bliss-abyss, at the back gate. "Isn't it wonderful?" coos Bliss-abyss. "This is our third anniversary of being together, and everything is so spiritual!" "It is?" asks Jivan Joke, shaking and trying to learn how to smoke a beedie. "Sure!" smiles Bliss-abyss, winking at several of her new boyfriends. "We've been together for three years, and now we are experimenting with the other side - being apart and free!" "Oh, that!" says Joke, twitching nervously, and trying to stay centered. "Yes," giggles Bliss-abyss, "and with all this new energy and all these new friends...!" "My god!" interrupts Jivan Joke. "Are you ovulating again?" "No, silly!" replies Bliss-abyss, "but since tonight is our anniversary, what shall we do?" "Well," says Joke, closing his eyes and trying to meditate. "Let's do like everyone else I know is doing - let's go in and celibate!"
|What I am trying to show you is this: that we laugh only when there is some reason which is forcing us to laugh. A joke is told, and you laugh - because a joke creates a certain excitement in you. The whole mechanism of a joke is: the story goes in one direction, and suddenly it takes a turn; the turn is so sudden, so drastic, that you could not have imagined it. Excitement grows and you are waiting for the punchline. And then suddenly, whatsoever you were expecting is never there - something absolutely different, something very absurd and ridiculous, never fulfilling your expectation.
A joke is never logical. If a joke is logical it will lose all its sense of laughter, the quality of laughter, because then you will be able to predict. Then by the time the joke is being said, you will have reached the punchline because it will be a syllogism, it will be simple arithmetic. But then it will not have any laughter. A joke takes a sudden turn, so sudden that it was almost impossible for you to imagine it, to infer it. It takes a jump, a leap, a quantum leap -- and that's why it releases so much laughter. It is a subtle psychological way to tickle you.
- Osho: The Dhammapada: The Way of the Buddha Vol-8
A beautiful girl was talking to her psychiatrist about her problem. "It is liquor, Doctor. Whenever I have a few drinks I have a compulsion to make love to whomever I happen to be with." "I see," said the doctor. "Well, suppose I just mix up a couple of cocktails, then you and I sit down, nice and relaxed, and discuss this compulsive neurosis of yours."
|There is nowhere to go and nothing to attain. You are already there where you need to be. Seeking is the only sin. Searching is the only way of going astray.
Newton Hooton gets up one morning, walks into the bathroom, turns on the tap, but it does not work. So he calls out to his wife, Helen Hooton, in the bedroom, "Hey, honey, the water tap doesn't work!" "Well, sweetie," calls back Helen, "you are the man in the house - you fix it!" "Hey, I'm no plumber," replies Newton.
Then he goes over to the clothes closet to get his suit, and the door handle comes off in his hand. "Hey, Helen," shouts Newton, "the closet door handle is broken!" "Well, darling, you are the man in the house," shouts back Helen, "You fix it!" "Hey, I'm no carpenter!" snaps Newton, and he goes downstairs for his breakfast. But when he switches on the light in the kitchen, the bulb pops. "Hey, honey," shouts out Newton. "The light is busted!" "Well, sugar-pie," calls back Helen, "why don't you fix it?" "Hey, I'm no electrician," shouts back Newton, and he goes off to work.
That evening, Newton comes home and sees a new light bulb in the kitchen. He goes upstairs, and the door handle on the closet is fixed. Then he goes into the bathroom, and the water tap works. "Hey, honey," shouts out Newton. "Who fixed all these broken things in the house?" "Well, baby-cakes," calls back Helen, "Burton Belch from next door must have heard us shouting this morning, so he came over and offered to fix everything." "That's great, honey," shouts Newton. "But what did he want in payment?" "Well dearie," replies Helen, "he said I could either screw him or bake him a cake." "Hey, honey," shouts Newton, "that is nice - what kind of cake did you bake him?" "Hey, poopsie," calls out Helen, "I'm no baker!"
|One day Mulla Nasruddin's wife was running after him with a stick. To save himself he slipped underneath the bed. The wife is a fat woman and she could not enter. Mulla said, "Now you know who is the master of the house!" And then exactly at that moment, somebody knocked on the door; some neighbors had come. The wife started asking Mulla to come out. "We can finish this quarrel later on. Now the neighbors are there." Mulla said, "Let them come! Let everybody know once and for all who is the master of this house! I am the master, and wherever I want to sit I will sit!"
- Osho: The Dhammapada: The Way of the Buddha Vol-8
|From Prem Hilarious, McLeodGanj, India
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your license and registration?
Driver: I don't have them. It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license and registration?
Driver: Sure. Here they are.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told there's a body in it.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: HA! Oh boy, that's a good one. I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too!
|When laughter comes out of silence you are not laughing at anybody's cost, you are simply laughing at the whole cosmic joke. And it really is a joke! That's why I go on telling jokes to you... because jokes carry more than any scriptures. It is a joke because inside you you have everything, and you are searching everywhere. What else should a joke be? You are a king and acting like a beggar in the streets; not only acting, not only deceiving others, but deceiving yourself that you are a beggar. You have the source of all knowledge and are asking questions; you have the knowing self and think that you are ignorant; you have the deathless within you and are afraid and fearful of death and disease.
- Osho: A Bird On The Wing
Little Ernie is doing his homework one evening and has a problem. "Dad," he says, "what is the difference between anger and exasperation?" "Well, son," says his father, "I will give you a practical demonstration." His dad then goes to the phone and dials a random number. "Hello," comes a voice at the other end. "Hello," says Ernie's father. "Is Melvin there?" "There is no one called Melvin here!" comes the reply. "Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?" "You see?" says Ernie's father. "That man was not at all happy with our call. But watch this!" He then dials the same number again, and says, "Hello, is Melvin there?" "Now look here!" comes the angry reply. "I told you there is no Melvin here! You have got a lot of nerve calling again!" And then he slams down the receiver.
"Did you hear that?" asks Ernie's father. "That was anger. Now, I will show you what exasperation is!" He picks up the phone and dials the same number again, and when a violent voice shouts, "HELLO!" Ernie's father says, "Hello! This is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"
|A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested. When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:
When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."
|From Prem Hilarious, McLeodGanj, India
A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says. "Thats awfully steep, isnt it?" the guy asks. "Yes," the lawyer replies, "Now whats your final question?"
|Mulla Nasrudin in the upper berth was awakened by a persistent tapping from below. "I am terribly cold down here. I wonder if you mind getting me a blanket," said a lady's voice. "I have a better idea," the Mulla replied sleepily. "Let's pretend we are married." "That sounds like a lovely idea," she giggled. "GOOD," said Nasrudin rolling over. 'NOW GO GET YOUR OWN DAMN BLANKET."|
|"Every Joke seems to me so beautiful and has such a psychological significance, a profound philosophy."
Little Ernie goes up to his father after school one day. "Dad," says Ernie, "the teacher started talking about Economics and I didn't understand a thing."
"Well," says his Father thinking for a moment. "Put it this way. In this household, I bring in the money, so I am the capital. Your Mom does the housekeeping, that is management. The maid does the work - she is labor. And your baby brother, well, he is the future."
Little Ernie wakes up in the middle of the night when his brother screams to have his diapers changed. Ernie goes to his parents' room to find his mother fast asleep. He then goes to the maid's room to find his father making love to the maid. So he changes the diapers himself. As he gets back into bed Little Ernie reflects, "Now I understand economics. Management is alseep, capital is screwing labor and the future stinks."
|Before we enter into, not contemplation, but meditation, I don't want you to be serious. I am so against seriousness - it is a spiritual sickness. Laughter is spiritual health. And laughter is very unburdening. While you laugh, you can put your mind aside very easily. For a man who cannot laugh the doors of the Buddha are closed. To me, laughter is one of the greatest values. No religion has ever thought about it. They have always been insisting on seriousness, and because of their insistence the whole world is psychologically sick.
Gorgeous Gloria goes into a bank and asks the clerk for change of a one hundred dollar bill. She hands over the note but the clerk takes one look at it and says, "I'm sorry, Miss, but this one hundred dollar bill is a fake." "Oh my God!" cries Gloria, "I've been raped."
|When the Goldbergs move to Rome, little Herschel comes home from his school in tears. He explains to his mother that the nuns are always asking these Catholic questions and how is he supposed to know the answers?
Becky says, "Herschel, I'm going to embroider the answers on the inside of your shirt, and you just look down and read them the next time those nuns pick you." "Thanks Mum," says Herschel, and he doesn't bat an eye-lid when Sister Michele asks him who is the world's most famous virgin. "Mary," he answers.
"Very good," says the nun. "And who was her husband?" "Joseph," answers Herschel. "I see you have been studying," says Sister Michele. "Now, can you tell me the name of their son?"
"Sure," says Herschel, "Calvin Klein."
|A salesman is forced to share a room with a rabbi in a crowded hotel. He enters the room and finds the rabbi kneeling in a corner, murmuring his prayers.
"Hi," says the salesman. "I'm your new roommate." The rabbi nods without interrupting his prayers. "Well then, which bed shall I take?" The rabbi points to one bed, continuing to pray. The salesman nervously unpacks his bag, then all of a sudden says, "Say, rabbi, do you mind if I bring up a girl?" The rabbi still praying, shouts, "Not one, two!"
|Boris Baablebrain, the clever lawyer, is pointing at he man in the dock. "And Miss Willing, is THIS the man," screams Boris, "Who you claim violated you, and took advantage of your beautiful, helpless, female body?" "Yes! Yes!" shouts Miss Willing, excitedly. "This is the man who did it to me!"
"And please tell the court," continues Babblebrain, his nose in the air as he strides over to the jury," just when did this carnal and erotically perverse act occur?" "Yes sir," replies Miss Willing. "As I can remember, it was last June...and July, and August."
|A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it." Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$25.00"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball mitt." The lover remembering the last time asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$75.00"
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and
forth." The boy says, "I can't, ! I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell themmmmmmmmm for ! Boy - "$100.00"
The father says, That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here" The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
|Mulla Nasrudin and his wife were at the ballet. He suddenly started laughing. The wife asked, 'Why?' 'I was just wondering what the audience would do if I suddenly jumped on the stage, grabbed one of the girls, threw her down and made violent love to her,' he said.
The wife thought a little and began to laugh. He asked, 'Why?' 'I was just thinking,' she said, 'what would you do if the audience gave you a standing ovation and screamed for an encore. If the audience screamed, "Once more!" what would you do?'
|Angela Angelovitch, the greatest ballet dancer in living memory, is going to give her last performance. "Angela," says Petrov, her manager, "for this performance, you must give everything, EVERYTHING!"
That night, when the curtains are drawn back, Angela is standing on a platform, high above the stage, wearing a small pair of wings. The orchestra is playing and Angela leaps into the air and lands gracefully on the stage, to loud cheers. Immediately, Angela jumps up and daintily climbs a ladder, and goes even higher than before. The orchestra plays loudly, and Angela springs into space. She spins through the air and lands on her tiptoes.
A rope descends and, to thundering applause, Angela is lifted right to the roof. The drums roll and then there is a deathly hush. Angela jumps. She flies, spinning through the air, and lands in the middle of the stage with her legs apart, in a perfect split. The audience is hysterical.
At last, the curtains close and the audience starts to go home. Angela is resting motionless on the stage. Her legs are still split wide apart. "Bravo! Encore!" shouts Petrov, her manager, walking onto the stage, clapping his hands. "Petrov," says Angela, "will you do me a favor?"
"Yes, my darling," replies Petrov, "after a performance like that, anything!" "Okay," says Angela, "then rock me a little, and break the suction!"
|As three Ph.D.s were sitting restlessly in the hospital waiting room, a nurse rushed in and said to one of them, 'Good news! Your wife just had twins'!
'What a coincidence!' the Ph.D. shouted. 'I'm a ball player, I am with the Minnesota Twins!'
A few minutes later she returned and said to the other Ph.D., 'My, what good news we are having today! Your wife just gave birth to triplets!'
'Now there is a coincidence,' the Ph.D. said, 'I work for the Three-M Company!'
Just then the third Ph.D. fainted. The nurse called an intern and together they worked to revive the Ph.D. As a matter of routine they checked his wallet for identification. It was then that they discovered that he was a salesman for Seven-Up!
All these Ph.D.s and D.Litt.s are just stuffed tomatoes. But the whole education is doing that: making people parrots, giving them stupid ideas.
Osho: Zen: Zest, Zip, Zap and Zing # 1
The son of an intellectual comes to his father and asks, 'Daddy, what is dialectics?'
The father, not wanting to leave his son without an answer, says, 'Listen to the following, son. Let us suppose that two men come into a restaurant, one with dirty hands and the other with clean hands. Which one is going to go and clean his hands?'
'The one with dirty hands, of course, Daddy!'
'Very good,' says the father. 'Now let's suppose that the two men walk into a restaurant, one with dirty hands and the other with clean hands. Which one is going to go and wash his hands?'
'The one with dirty hands, Dad. I just told you!'
'No, not this time, son. The one who will go and wash his hands is the one who already has clean hands, because he is in the habit of cleaning them. The one with dirty hands is in the habit of keeping his hands dirty.'
'What a mess, Daddy!'
'That's it, Son! Now you are beginning to understand dialectics.'
Osho: Zen: Zest, Zip, Zap and Zing # 1
A young professor had been invited to address a poultry convention. 'The first thing you must do, to properly raise a flock,' he said, 'is to separate the male chicks from the female chicks.'
After he finished, a lady enquired, 'How can you tell male chicks from female chicks?'
'Well,' he said, 'you go out into your yard and dig a pailful of worms. Then you set them before the chicks, and the male chicks will eat the male worms, and the female chicks will eat the female worms. '
'Yes, but, Professor, how do you tell a male worm from a female worm?'
'Madam,' came the answer, 'I'm a poultry expert, not a worm expert!'
This stuffed knowledge does not make people wise, it simply hides their ignorance. This is not education, it simply represses their ignorance. Real education will help the child to be more intelligent.
But even the teachers and the professors don't like the intelligent children because they create trouble. They ask questions which are embarrassing, they ask questions for which the professors don't have answers. And they are not courageous enough to say, 'I don't know the answer.' And that is a sure sign of an ignorant man: one who has not the courage to say, 'I don't know the answer.' Everybody tries to pretend that he is omniscient, that he knows all that is worth knowing. So it is also in their favour to keep people unintelligent.
Osho: Zen: Zest, Zip, Zap and Zing # 1
TONIGHT I AM FLYING TO PARIS, TAKING WITH ME THIS BEAUTIFUL NAME THAT YOU GAVE ME FOR THE NEW CENTRE, PRADEEP, A LAMP.
COULD YOU GIVE ME SOME HELP TO SCREW THIS LAMP INTO THE FRENCH MIND? AND ALSO TELL US A JOKE WITH A FEW WORDS IN FRENCH TO MAKE PARIS LAUGH!
THANK YOU, OSHO.
As far as screwing this lamp into the French mind is concerned, there will be no difficulty at all. French minds are just like sockets: you can screw in any kind of bulb. There will be no problem at all. It is difficult to screw a bulb into an Indian mind, but into a French mind any way you do it, it will turn out right.
And take this joke with you:
A French father caught his ten-year-old son smoking. Trying to be an open-minded parent, he said carefully, 'Mon fils, I am educating you with great liberte. I let you have whatever you want so that it does not create any complexes in you. Alors, s'il te plait, take heed of my advice. I think you are too young to start smoking.'
'Je ne...! Mon oeil!' replied the son indignantly, 'why just the other day I fucked three girls! Oh, la la! And you think I am not big enough to smoke?'
'Oh, Mon Dieu! Tu as fait ca?' And with what type of girls?'
'Je ne sais pas,' replied the boy. 'I was too drunk to take notice.'
Osho: Zen: Zest, Zip, Zap and Zing # 1
|A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
|A guy walks into a toy shop and says to the assistant: "Could you please show me your Barbie dolls?" She says, "Certainly, sir. Here, we have:
Fashion Barbie for $11.95
Vacation Barbie for $11.95
Housewife Barbie for $11.95 and
Divorcee Barbie for $211.95!"
The guy asks in astonishment,"Why is "Divorcee Barbie so much? She looks the same to me." The assistant answers, "Well, sir, Divorcee Barbie comes complete with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's golf clubs, his Gold MasterCard, his yacht and his summer home."
|The fourth question:
What do you mean when you say that man is a machine?
That man is a machine! Three scenes
"Hello, Bernie old pal!" greeted Charlie, somewhat potted. "Let's go into a bar and celebrate the cigar habit."
What are you talking about?" asked Bernie .
"Listen," Charlie went on, "My wife wanted me to stop smoking. And her system is, when I feel like a cigar to get an O' Henry candy bar instead."
"Did you do that?" Bernie inquired.
"Yeah! And that's why I am celebrating. I'm back on cigars that candy bar idea doesn't work; believe me, I tried it. Every time I wanted a cigar I bought an O' Henry candy bar. But you want to know something? I couldn't keep it lit!"
When I say that man is a machine, I mean man functions through habits, not through awareness. When I say that man is a machine, I mean man functions through his past, not through his spontaneity.
The second scene....
A night worker had let his whiskers grow until his favorite baseball team won the pennant, much to the disgust of his young and pretty wife.
On the day his team clinched the pennant he laid off work, got himself a shave, went home early, and slipped into bed. In the darkness he took his wife's hand and placed it upon his smoothly shaven face.
She turned slightly while running her fingers over the now smooth chin, and said, "Make it snappy, kid! Old Whiskers will be home any minute now."
When I say that man is a machine, I mean man does not see what is the case, man does not look into the present moment, man is not responsive to reality. Man goes on living in old ideas, man lives through habits.
The third scene....
One day Mulla Nasruddin read a small poem in a magazine. He loved it. The poem was:
Sir, Why not buy a bunch or two
Of springtime flowers fair?
And take them home one cheerless day,
But carry them with care.
Just hand them to your wife and say,
"I thought of you in town today."
Mulla Nasruddin did exactly that. He bought some flowers, but instead of entering the house as usual, he knocked. And when his wife opened the door, he just handed them to her. To his great surprise she burst out crying. "Why, whatever is the matter?" he asked.
"Oh," she replied, "I've had an awful day. I broke the teapot, the baby has been crying, the cook has left, and now you come home drunk!"
That's what I mean when I say that man is a machine. And you don't become aware of it, because how can a machine become aware? You need somebody to hammer on your head continuously, in the hope that sometime the hammer will really hit you, shock you out of your habits, and for a moment you will be awake.
I talked the other day about three awarenesses: awareness one, awareness two, awareness three. This is the first awareness: to watch yourself, to watch your actions, to watch your reactions, to watch your responses. How are you behaving as a man or as a machine? And out of one hundred, ninety-nine times you will find that you are behaving like a machine. But if you start becoming a little alert, then you are becoming something more than a machine; the plus point is arising in you. That awareness will help you to become man. Only when you are aware are you man. Fully aware, you are fully man. Fully unaware, you are a machine.
(Osho: Tantric Transformation, chapter 6)
|From Sarita and Geho
This is not an Osho joke but we know he would love it so we are nominating it as a new Osho joke:
A guy dies. He comes to an elevator and steps inside. He is dismayed to see that it is moving downwords. He knows what that means. When it arrives, sure enough he is greeted by the Devil himself, all dressed in red. The Devil welcomes him very cordially but the guy is not decieved by this, knowing that he has landed in Hell. There is a rolls royce standing there and the Devil gestures to it, saying, "this is your car." The guy says, "My car? Are you trying to make a fool out of me? This is Hell after all! The Devil says, "don't worry. Just come for a drive with me!"
Finally, seeing no escape, the guy gets in to the car and they go for a drive. Soon he notices really lush and beautiful scenery, lots of trees, rolling hills, rivers and streams and grassy meadows. However, he remains suspicious, waiting for the inevitable. Finally they arrive to a really luxurious house with beautiful garden. The devil says, "here is your house!" The guy says, "My house? But this is Hell! How can that be?" The door to the house opens and out comes 6 beautiful women, a blond, a brunette, an east Asian, a black, an Indian and so on, each one more gorgeous than the one before. His eyes are popping out of his head and he asks, "who are they?" "Well, those are your girlfriends," says the Devil. "Why, is there anything wrong?" "No, No," says the guy. "Everything is perfect.. but.. I thought..I mean, this is Hell isn't it?" "Of course it is," says the Devil. "Look at me, I am the Devil aren't I?"
They continue their tour. Pretty soon they come to a high wall with lots of barbed wire on the top. There are flames shooting up and bloodcurdling screams can be heard coming from the other side of the wall. The guy exclaims, "you see! I knew it! I knew it! Now we come to it! You were decieving me all along!" "You mean this?" says the Devil, chuckling." Don't take it so seriously! This is a special place for the Christians because they demand it this way!"
|A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and
blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were after my new girlfriend now!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Bill and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year and every year. One year Bill and Martha went to the fair and Bill said, Martha, I'm 81 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance. "Martha replied, "Bill, that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 10 dollars. "Bill and Martha agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Bill replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but 10 dollars is 10 dollars."
A man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
A new joke about Mulla Nasrudin